Sixteen months ago we got a phone call from our son that changed my life. “I’m joining the Marines.” This wasn’t the first time I had heard those words from our boy. He had talked about it since he was in middle school. He signed up for the Delayed Enlistment Program in his junior year of high school but changed his mind. I was good with that…it seemed too soon to make life-changing decisions. This time the words rang true, especially when they were followed by the words, “I’m leaving in 30 days for boot camp.”

In our family, military service is not unusual. My husband spent 22 years in the US Air Force. Many of his family members served when drafted during World War II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War. His dad’s brother retired from 20 years in the Navy, as did his son. That cousin’s daughter is currently serving. On my side of the family, my father served 30 years with the Marines. Both my sisters’ husbands have served: one retired with 20 years in the Marines, the other currently in the Marine Reserves. But somehow it is different now.

Four of our boys are United States Marines. And all of them enlisted voluntarily during war time under a Commander-in-Chief with questionable foreign policy experience. Three of those boys will be deployed to the war zones at different times during the next year. First to leave in less than a month is my middle sister’s son-in-law. His wife and little boy will be coming back from across the country to be with family while he is gone. Then my sister’s oldest son leaves shortly after the holidays. My son’s best friend leaves in early spring. My son will be heading to the bad place around this time next year. The youngest of our Marines, my baby sister’s boy, is starting MCT (Marine Corps Training–a shortened version of infantry training for non-infantry specialties) this week. He will then head to the mid-west for his specialty training. Since he is a reservist like his father, he will be attending college next fall and maybe not have to deploy before he finishes school.

We are very proud of our boys. They are our heroes.

On the outside, all this doesn’t seem to have made much difference. My life has progressed as usual. It’s funny how that happens. I still keep our grandson everyday. Things are moving along nicely toward our oldest daughter’s wedding in December. We chat or text with our girls daily, our son occasionally. Life has some very pleasurable moments. But sometimes I feel like I am standing outside my life watching it go by.

See once upon a time, I had a little boy who refused to go to bed until I was home. That meant after attending night classes, I had to help him get to sleep. And then when he was a bit older, I had to assure him that I would come and get him if he got too homesick at Boy Scout camp. When he was in high school I took him lunch almost every day. He would sneak and text me throughout the day. Just silly things usually starting with, “What’s up?”

I know kids grow up.  And I’m pretty good at letting go, at least I always thought I was. But the 10 second phone call the night he left for boot camp was hours too short. The time between the phone call from his Drill Instructor informing us that he was being sent to the medical platoon and the next letter we got was eons too long. And he celebrated his 20th birthday alone in the midst of strangers…when our family has always been known for celebrating each birthday twice: once on the day of and again when it was convenient to have guests. Then when boot camp graduation finally arrived, instead of a boy’s arms wrapping around me, it was a man who held me close and whispered, “I missed you so much.”

At home the whirlwind had just begun. Our Marine married his high school sweetheart on Veteran’s Day 2009. His wife and I drove him down to MCT a few days later. Because I keep our daughter’s little boy, he had to go as well. He had a hard time understanding why we had to pull over and sit a while: neither of the women in the car could see to drive after watching our Marine walk away once more. A month later he was home again, this time assigned to his recruiter’s office for a few weeks in December. January through April he was gone again to his specialty training. When he finished there and was finally at his duty station, he had to wait a month to bring his wife down to live with him. Finally I had a few months to get used to this new kind of normal.

Then a friend’s son was killed in Afghanistan on September 1, 2010. Heartbroken for their family, my own life screeched to a halt while I tried to find a balance between grieving for them and getting on with our own lives. But I was forever changed. Reality is now so very REAL. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t just something happening “out there.” For a while I couldn’t think of anything else. I got updates nearly daily in my email of young men who had to be met by their grieving families at Dover Air Force Base. I finally stopped my Marine parents support site from sending me emails. It became too much for me.

I am standing here trying once again to find my balance. If I don’t blog as often as I did, it’s because I want to be relevant and fun but not frivolous with my writing. Work on my novel has slowed to a crawl, not put away, just waiting inspiration again. If you see my Facebook profile page loaded with Farmville play time or a silly status update, don’t think too harshly of me. Sometimes I need to connect with people, especially other Marine families and that’s who a lot of my Farmville friends are. They understand better than most how the silence in the house can seem deafening; how the lack of texts or calls from my boy occasionally gives me a stomachache; how fear can creep up and crush my heart, leaving me breathless. And they understand how visiting face-to-face is sometimes too hard, too raw. So we comfort each other with typewritten words and silly games.

Yes, I am a proud, flag-waving, hand-over-my heart, pledge-saying Marine mom. Sometimes I feel like shouting OORAH! Other times it’s all I can do to whisper, “Dear God please keep him safe.” But know this: you can sleep soundly tonight because my Marine has your back.